Break up; Break down

Hi you lovely person reading this! When I wanted to write more raw and real stuff, I wasn't kidding. Today's subject, breaking up. Recently my boyfriend and I decided to break up for various reasons, the most important one being me suffering from anxiety. This is my take on being in this situation, I really hope this helps someone. 

" Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

About two months ago my boyfriend and me decided to end our relationship. We were together for more than two years. To most people that might not sound like a really long time, but to the both of us it was the longest we have ever been with one person that did not give up on us. There are many reasons why we broke up, but I think the biggest reason was because of my mental state of mind. As the quote above already indicates, being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety isn’t easy. But loving someone whilst suffering from it isn’t an easy thing to do either.

The last couple of months weren’t easy for both of us. I was basically one big balloon filled with anxiety that could explode any minute. I started avoiding situations that involved big crowds and small spaces. Slowly but surely things got out of hand and it had reached the point were I was afraid to drive my own car, go to the supermarket, even leaving the house seemed impossible at one point. Because of this I wasn’t able to do the things I used to do with my boyfriend like going on dates and going out with a bunch of friends. Just driving to his house became a hard task for me, simply because I was afraid to have another panic attack whilst I was driving. Every single thing I did or did not do was based around not having a panic attack.

Because I was quite an outgoing person when he met me, I think dealing with this must’ve been pretty hard on him. I know that it was for me, because I felt myself turning into different person and I had no idea of what was happening. My main focus was on trying to get out of this state of mind, but by focusing on that I neglected my relationship. I can only imagine what it was like to see the girl you love falling apart and transforming into another person and more importantly not being able to do anything about it. He once told me he felt helpless because he wasn’t making me happy anymore and selfish because he wanted the old me back more than anything, someone I wasn’t able to be anymore. Believe me, I tried.

For me, it made it wasn’t quite a walk in the park either. I knew damn well what he wanted and I wasn’t able to give it to him. I felt like a failure because not only was I a twenty two year old suffering from these irrational fears that stopped me from living a normal life, I was also failing to love the one person I loved the way he deserved to be loved. It came to the point where I started to think that it was only fair to set him free and maybe, just maybe, I would have one less thing to worry about. So on a saturday night when I felt like I was too afraid to get in my car once again, we decided to end it, over the phone. After the call ended it felt like I had shut off my emotions, I went for a walk to get some fresh air but felt nothing.

It wasn’t until a week later that the cloud of numbness cleared out and all my emotions came crashing down on me like the biggest waves you can imagine. Anger, fear, sadness, disgust everything except for joy. What had I done? How could I possibly think that my relationship would be just one less thing to worry about? I was literally so angry with myself for giving him up and sad because I missed him like a crazy person. I felt disgust because I saw pictures of him going out with other people and pretending to be perfectly fine with it all. (He wasn’t though) Eventually fear kicked in, he was the only one who knew perfectly what was going on with me. Nobody else believed me or didn’t take it seriously at least. Even my parents thought that I was just being stressed out by all the schoolwork and was overreacting. He was the only one who knew, and I pushed him out of my life. So the sadness kicked in again…

Even though I was not the happiest person to begin with, the one person who still loved me is gone. I’m not his first choice anymore, no one is going to come and save me from this darkness. Even with a thousand friends around me, I have never felt more alone in my whole life. I realized that he was the one thing that brought up that bit of joy I still had left in me. More than ever I was determined to become the person I once was again and I believed I could do it with him by my side.

Eventually we started talking again and a lot of shit has happened since we broke up, stuff I won’t bore you with. Good moments, bad moments, the worst of moments. And safe to say that we’re both equally responsible for fucking each other’s lives up over the last couple of weeks. It came to the point where we had such a big fight at 2 A.M. that I asked my dad if I could still go out to a friend’s house because I needed a talk. I was crying hysterically and shaking, it must’ve seemed like I was about to fall into a million pieces and die. Since my dad obviously saw that it wasn’t a good idea to let me drive, he sat down and talked to me for about an hour. For the first time he believed me when I said I couldn’t do it on my own anymore and I needed help. I know that anxiety is something I will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life, but I am willing to learn how to be happy again, so I decided to end this chapter of my life on a relatively good note.

I told him I was sorry about everything I said the previous night and decided I needed some distance. I figured it was the only way to learn how to be happy on my own once again. The thing is, I still love him from the bottom of my heart and this distance thing isn’t an easy thing to cope with, especially because I still want him by my side. I want to get better for me, because this is not the way a twenty-two year old should feel or live her life, but I still want him next to me while I do that. I still want to be his first choice, the person he loves. Safe to say, I am not anymore. There isn't a worse feeling in the world than losing someone you love because of yourself. I know that I need to get better, with or without him. It sucks though that the person you want next to you doesn't want te same thing. After everything we've been through, that's what hurts the most. 

To be honest, the reason I’m writing this is because people always talk about how great their relationship is or how bad it ended. They don’t talk about the fact that a relationship is work. It’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, it’s a fight to become the best version of yourselves together. People hardly ever talk about the tough stuff, they don't like to, I don't either. I think we've established right now that no one is perfect, and it's freaking okay to be flawed. With this said, it's also okay to talk about the tough stuff, people should know. To those of you who suffer from anxiety, don’t give up on the one you love and same goes for the people who have someone close to them suffering from it. It’s hard and it sucks but you simply shouldn’t give up. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, I hope things will get better some day.

Please comment, like and all that stuff. I do love those things and it means a lot, especially on this stuff. I love you guys as always, and I will write again soon <3 

PS If you ever read this: All I ever wanted was to be your first choice, for you to be the one who stood by me through the good, the bad and the ugly. To become a better person than I was before and to become a stronger couple than we ever were. To be loved by you and show my endless love for you in return. I'm sorry.