Storytime: anxiety.

It's 2016, and after more than a year and a half of not posting one single blogpost and months of contemplating whether I should write again or not, I finally decided to take the plunge. I deleted all of my old posts and wanted to start all over (once again), a clean break. I used to blog about make up, fashion, and all fun things. No matter how much I like the fun stuff, there is no denying that there is a lot going on behind everyone's scenes, the tough stuff. Today I decided to post something raw, something real and hopefully something someone can relate to. I wrote this piece over the past couple of months, mostly when I was having a rough time. It's one big ramble with no point at all that somehow managed to clear my cloudy mind up. So... Hi, I live with Anxiety.

I’m okay, right? I mean, I am healthy and going to school and frankly I am much happier with the way I look now rather than a few years back. I have one university degree already and I am on my way to another. I’ve got the most amazing set of friends, a great and loving family. I go out on a quite regular basis and have the most fun and crazy nights with my friends. On the other hand, like every person in university, I also love my bed very very much. I am a regular twenty two year old on her way to greatness.  I’m okay, I’m fine, and I’m doing well. But am I really?

Everyone has demons to face at some point in their life, every single one of us. It’s nothing special; it’s no big deal. Some can face their demons head on; they are the lucky ones who know exactly what they are up against. I don’t know, because my demon is inside me. The mind is supposed to be the rational centre of the body; mine seems to be at war with its own irrational ways. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, screaming out the reality while every other cell in my body believes that things are different; things that most likely will never happen are in fact happening. My brain believes my body is in danger, and the rest of the cells in my body follow the orders coming from my irrationalities blindly.

My heart is pounding so fast, my palms are sweaty and I can’t seem to sit still for a minute because my brain is screaming at me to move my ass out of here as quick as possible. While I am rubbing my feet against each other, and constantly spinning the bottle of water around, my eyes are looking from one side of the room to the other. Trying to spot every little detail, it almost feels like they are trying to look for danger so I would finally get out of there. People around me seem to be shouting at me, yet I don’t hear what they’re actually saying because there is a constant buzzing in my head. My personal bubble seems to grow into a big space around me, and when someone enters it. Error, that person is to close, it is too crowded, there is not enough air. Please leave immediately. So, I leave.

Anxiety, to me, feels like running in a big dark and foggy maze. You don’t know what you’re running from, and you haven’t got the slightest idea of where you’re going. You just run and run and at some point it actually feels like you’re outrunning yourself. Everything, every noise, every touch, every emotion or movement, it is coming at you so fast that you’re forcing every cell in your body to move faster than it is supposed to. Everything behind you is disappearing, as if you’re outrunning a big wave of pure darkness making it’s way into your life, destroying everything you leave behind as you’re running towards nowhere. Yes, there is no final stop, there are only fleeting moments where you can catch you’re breath and feel safe for a minute. It’s in those moments you realize how your life has changed, how much you have changed. You’ve lost your way, and somehow you’ve managed to lose yourself somewhere too.

When I look back on my life, I’ve always had a certain vision of who I was and who I wanted to be. Right now I am so far from who I was supposed to be, I am not even myself anymore. Anxiety changes you and the way you live. It destroys a lot more than you are aware of at the time. People don't understand because on the outside there is nothing wrong, and it's frustrating. Sometimes they give up on you and you start to think it's going to be you and your mind ending up alone together, oh the horror. Thoughts start to drizzle into your mind right before you fall asleep "I can't keep doing this", "what's the point" but mostly "when will this fucking end?" and " I want to give up". Eventually you fall asleep and wake up again. Another day, maybe this day will be the one where it gets better? 

I wish there was a point to all this, that I could tell you that it gets better... but I can't. I do know that there are good days and bad days, and that's just life. I also know that you shouldn't apologize for not being able to do something, or leaving early, especially to people who don't understand anyway.  It is okay not to be okay every once in a while! But most importantly, to anyone who relates to this, you are not alone. 

<3